Let it be known that I didn't intend to attend the meeting as a cranky single lady. However, when your therapist reduces your "I can take the world on" attitude to "daddy issues", that would steal your thunder too.
I didn't even bother with the breathing exercises I was taught to keep my crazy in check, nope . I just stormed into the meeting and grabbed the seat where I thought everyone should see my face and know enough to steer clear of me. how was I to know I was sitting beside the pastor? No one told me the raised platform wasn't an option.
My old neighbor got a kick out of it, because she doubled over in laughter and I caught her wiping her eyes because she had laughed that hard.
I soon focused on the pastor, because he was painting a lot of hypothetical situations.
What if you could eat your cake and have it too?
What if you found the love of your life too, who loved you as fiercely as valentine loved his woman. Who was perfect in everyway and who eventually died for you?
"Well then, he's a fool. No body wants a love that ain't gonna hang around." I announced to the good people.
They all glanced at me.
What? The questions can't go unanswered right? They were questions for a reason.
I caught my old neighbor coughing, but it seemed like she was hiding a smile. I must say that is a pleasant change. Usually, people cried or seemed to want to cry when I was around. So if she was laughing at me ....I don't mind.
"Right, miss....."
No way was I announcing my name. But I found myself saying Mayflower.
"How unusual." the pastor responded.
I could tell him that I don't know what my dad was thinking too, but he reminded me too much of dad in that moment, and I knew that just like dad, he would tell me lies that I wanted to believe . Lies that I was smart enough to know better, but my heart longs to hold on to a memory of daddy. To be that person he knew I could be.
"Miss Mayflower, You wouldn't turn down a proposal from the most perfect man in the world for you, would you?'
I snorted. It wasn't ladylike, but I never made a claim to being a lady.
"No one is perfect, but I'll humor you. I'll accept his proposal on the condition that he hangs around, and does not disappear on me."
I can nearly hear my therapist whisper "daddy issues" into my ears, and just like that, my scowl was back.
"Okay" Said the pastor " He loves you, proposes to you, dies for you, and somehow still found a way to come back to you, how would that make you feel?"
For a moment, I let myself believe this lies, and think of all I could still have
A father, even if I never knew my mama, I'd still have best friends, roommates, and several relationship prospects, but somehow that didn't feel enough.
"semi- happy? I have to be honest with you pastor, I won't be happy unless I can eat my cake and have it too."
Someone groaned in the church, and I perked up. It's nice to make a nice person groan isn't it? I basically just humanised someone.
"If I told you that there is someone asking for your hands in marriage right now, someone who has defended your honor countless of times in your absence, someone who couldn't bear to see you hurt or cry, someone who would rather die than let any harm come to you, what would you say?"
"I'd Say yes. I wasn't born an idiot you know. I'd take his ring and never take it off my fingers, and we'd have a shotgun wedding. "
The nice people laughed again, and that was what made me ....well....it made my chest feel warm, like a trickle of warm honey was thawing away at my frozen heart. It made me feel like I had come home. Like dad was around here somewhere, like maybe I could have roots in a place like this.
"If I told you that Jesus did all that for you, and much more. Built a mansion of gold for you and has been on his knees for a while now, begging to be noticed, craving your attention, what would you say?"
Nothing. I'd walked into that one with my eyes opened. Yet, I didn't think he lied.
My brain is telling me that Jesus was a liar. He was just like valentine who went and died, yet I feel like if I denied Jesus existence, then I am denying a part of the father I knew. The man who loved me regardless of my flaws, but my heart wants to open like petals to the morning light. I wanted Daddy back, but if I can't have him, I could have a part of him right?
Maybe my reasons for saying yes was questionable, but it was easily the best decision I've ever made.
All that was six months ago now, and I'm engaged. I was going to have fun calling my therapist a liar, but I was engaged to a nice person. I'm still learning to be nice but we'll....the beauty of Christianity is that Jesus loves my quirks.
Last Sunday, I gave testimony that I was engaged and I hadn't bailed . I explained about my previous proposals, and now my old neighbor whose son I'm engaged too, suddenly wants the wedding soon.
what's up with that any way?
On Friday, I followed the good people for community service, and I met the most pessimistic person ever. He wouldn't accept Jesus, and then I told him...If I were you, I'd hang around the only person who wants my miserable company.
Of course I was furious. Refusing Jesus is personal to me, and I even got more furious when My to be Husband apologized.
"Funny enough, I saw "Mr. Miserable company" yesterday at our good people bonfire, and he was looking even more miserable, but just like I did six months ago, I could read the moment warmth started to trickle in."
My to be husband is still praying for more warmth for me, but I told him I'd probably burst into flames if I had to take more warmth.
Anyway, I gotta drop my pen here... Tomorrow is valentine's day, and I have a surprise brewing.
A valentine's day wedding. Hubby may not know it yet, but we are getting married tomorrow, and nobody can stop me.
Talk to you later.
Ciao.
THE END.
PS: Maybe you are not as crazy as Mayflower, but you surely have your quirks..so what if valentine's day reminds you of someone who beat Valentine to the punch, hustling to show how much he loves your imperfections? Sometimes your imperfections makes God grin. Think about it.
